Breakfast Epiphany

Sitting in bed again
Tea's gone, head hurts
Too much beer again
Or was it the vodka we had?
Martyn Joseph at the Colston Hall
One man, one stage
The audience in his hands
A shared pleasure, a shared experience
"There's still a lot of love round here"

I need to ask you a question
But I've found out I don't know how
The words are like weapons
They land so hard, even though
It's not their intention. It's just so.
So please would you make me an omelette
With love and with free will?
And I will savour ever morsel
And eat until I've had my fill
I will take one more step in the right direction
And together we will make it home.

The Girl With The Extra Beer - Original

"Are you single?" She inquired
The girl with a beer in each hand
"Yes" the lie came out so easily
The way it has for so many years
A chance meeting, in a field far away
My first time, her twenty fifth
The Crows and the Monkeys
My only reason for being here

"Will you still be here when I get back?
This beer I have to deliver
My brother is inside waiting
Whilst we dance around each other out here."

The second lie followed as easily as the first
"Of course" as I melted into the crowd
It wasn't long before you found me
My hiding places transparent to you
Maybe you could see through my lies
And that's what intrigued you?

No, I'm not single
Not while I'm married to grief
For a life that had come and gone
And left me as empty as a shell on a beach

A great sadness fills my life
A constant companion, my wife
We spend all our time together
Every day we tear each other apart

No, I'm not just leading you on
I'm hiding something, that much you can tell
I'm hiding so many things 
My life a living hell

But here I am free
Here I play a part
I'm the person I would be
If we could all have a new start

"Do you dance?" She asked me
Again came the lie
Not sure what this one was for
Maybe your expectation was too high.
I dance like there's no-one watching
No-one can prove if I do
Do I dance? There's just one person who can decide that
I'll leave the answer to you.

"Will you kiss me?", the intrigue had grown too much
This man of mystery,
Of brooding emotion,
Of life unexplored
Of course I'll kiss you, but only when I'm sure

Sure that this will mean something
Not just a passing in a far away land
My memories enslave me
Am I sure I want you on my hands?

I came here to express freedom
Much practised throughout the year
I came to meet people
To push back my deepest fears
In that darkness you found me
The girl with the extra beer.

Meditation

Just let the energy flow:
It starts in your temples,
You can feel them beating
With the light that blinds you.

Let it go into your shoulders
Which ache with the effort
And the stresses of existence.
See it move down your arms,
A passageway, a path
To your shining hands
Radiating gold.

Fingers of white,
A thousand miles long,
Reach around the world
And find you.
Uplifting your soul,
Caressing your body,
Enveloping you in the healing protection.

The soles of my feet throb
Feeling the earth energy
Feeding the golden orb that grows inside
A supernova of love and light
A shield to protect me
And chase the shadows and confront the night.

Feel the green mantle
Enriching us all
Lifting our sorrow
Sharing our grief
Forgiving our misdeeds
And bringing us home.

Circles

I imagine sitting in a circle with you

A circle of candles, of power,

Of forgiveness

In sitting room on the floor

In garden as the sun goes down

Knee to knee

Hand to hand

Face to face

Nose to nose

Lips to lips

Body to body

Self to self. 

Ego and complaint at the door.

Love and compassion,

Understanding and respect,

These are the things will guide us

In this place we will be safe

Poetry 101

Alphabet bravado
Can't deny each foolish glimpse
However immaterial.
Just keep looking,
More nuances of perception.
Quiet.
Rewind.
See the universal view.
Where?
Xanadu?
Your zeitgeist.

Letter

As I sit here alone again

With tears streaming down my face

Tears of joy

Tears of fear

Tears of love

We stand together in this place.

What was I thinking with my nose pressed against your neck?

All those months ago

With my arms around you

Holding you

Hoping

That this moment would last forever

That dawn would pass us by

Leaving us to slumber on

In our half light dream world we created that night.

What was I thinking with my chest against your warm soft back?

My knees behind your knees, your feet resting on top of mine?

A stranger who seemed to know me

And had so much more to share

Who hinted at a future I could not comprehend or hoped to dare.

Forcing me from my hiding places

Exposing my shadows to the light

Raising walls and ramparts my slings and arrows could not breach

That opened the door so many times

To have it shut so hard in her face

That listened with compassion

And forgave

And played

And had faith.

I sit here alone again, counting down the days

Until I'm at home again with the girl with the extra beer.

When Saturday Comes

Tattoo ink on my pillow

Toast crumbs in my bed

Hazy mornings after

Crazy nights out of my head

The past is there to guide us

To help us right what once was wrong

To sail in the right direction

Or to turn around and start anon

Change the sheets, change your face

Do what you have to do in this place

Learn to live, learn to survive

Create a world to mask what's inside.

Friday night, taxi at nine

Into town, feel alive

Live music, real ale

Sup up, ship out,

Last orders, let's bail.

Did we win? Did we lose?

Saturday morning comes too soon.

Birthday Message

I missed you yesterday,

I dared to let you in,

I'm not sure others would understand this,

The way I feel when we're apart.

I guess that's my way of coping,

A lesson learnt from my past.

The world doesn't keep on turning

When I'm not there.

It stops.

It gets locked away in my heart

A letter, a call opens the crack

But the coping soon covers that.

I can hide my heart forever

Locked away beyond reproach

But you're always there to open it

In me you have such trust.

Trust that I'm the one you've been waiting for

That I can overcome my fear

That we can see this thing through together

And move on through the years.

For A New Friend

There is a time
There is a place
Somewhere in time where this will be right
I see that you see that this will be the way
The way that the future will come to you
This future that I walk is not sure
I doubt every step of the path
But I know it is the one true true way
To find that to which I dream
And that will be your path
When that first step you are ready to take

Crazy Friday Nights

Crazy Friday night
I love this place
The world passes in a blur
A mixture of alcohol and time and place
This place
Which one?
The blurred world spins and I observe
All life is here
To be watched and savoured
Take a piece and live it
I dare you

Open In Case Of H Emergency - April 2012 I think

I found this letter today, stuffed away in my pen pot. Written to ward off those moments of regret.....

"It had been a beautiful day, sweet reunion, walks across the cold Chase. 
We had settled down listening to The Magic Numbers, 
I thought life was perfect, my head on your lap, you in one of your jumpers. 
Then you broke my heart again. 
In those early days it hurt a lot, but I would get used to it, it would happen so many times. 
I still feel it now, whenever I hear the Magic Numbers I think of that day. 
And the many days in between. 
The pain, the tears that well in my eyes, 
the chickens we'll never have, the amazing memories now bottled for ever. 
The canvas. 
You when you're drunk. 
Yes, that drunk. 
The pain and the bad memories should easily outweigh everything else. 
If only you could be how I wanted you to be, 
but you're not and I don't love you,
only I still love that image of how I wanted you to be
and that image is wrapped up in you. 
But that will never work and round we go again."

Weston Super Mare

I am Weston Super Mare
An ironic thought, an analogy?
I walked the empty streets
The windswept beach, the empty pier
The boarded up shops, the asbo filled town centre
The token drunk, the police car
The arrested youth. Trouble.
The new hope stands next to faded grandeur
The empty restaurant
A glass of wine
Another. Break another rule.
Hello. Welcome back oblivion.
I've missed you.
I've kissed you
I've tasted you. Your skin on my lips.
Your blood, my blood, my sin
I'm back. I've gone.
When did we begin?
The wind blows in from the sea
The leaves dance, the flag marks the direction
And again it's there
Hiding in the shadows
Waiting
We all know it's there now
We wait it out
If we say its name it loses it's power
We have to believe that it's true
That this faded jewel
This analogy of my life
Has a hope in hell of beginning anew.

Happy Easter

Why are there no happy poems they ask
When they see my anthology
But this is a happy poem I tell them
Don't put your sadness on me
A tale of a night on the town
A happy Easter Sunday night
When the Peckham Cowboys rode round
Real ale and music was the draw
A lonely night to kill
One, two, three, four
Line them up, check the score

Ghost

I saw a ghost today
A memory of a life that could have been passed my way
The other side of the valley
My eyes could have deceived me
I guess that's why it's a ghost
maybe it was never there at all.

But what I do remember is riding right on by
Leave that life in the past
Where it can no longer hurt me
Some scars don't fade
When I close my eyes I can be there again
Terror in the dark of night
So why did I do it all over again?

But this time I passed on by
Exercise will exorcise this ghost.

Heart Of Darkness

My heart is in darkness
I need love to light the way
Is this possible? In this time and place?
Am I wasting my time, my life, my fate?
The words drip onto the page
Trying to make sense of this waste of life
This new start, this opportunity,
This hell, this purgatory
One foot in the past, straddling the present, into the future
What future is this?
Which path to take? Where to lead?
I live the life of the poet
My words ease me as I leave this place
And for you, the words will guide you
Guide you in the ways of my heart
All these things locked up inside me
Playing out their parts
My loyal soldiers defend me
An impenetrable wall of spite
Of pointed sticks and burning oil
Protecting the treasures inside
Spiting all that might nourish and fulfill us
Resenting the world outside.

The Girl With The Extra Beer v 2

The girl with the extra beer in her hand approached. It was for her brother, she explained, he was inside the tent watching Show of Hands. We were outside in the warm air, talking, dancing around each other, testing, probing. She had an extra beer, I had lager, in cans, hidden in various pockets.

"Are you single?", she asked me. Direct. Straight-forward.

"Yes", I lied. Lied? It was easy, I had been pretending for years. For I was in a relationship. 

Long term with grief. Grief for a life I had lost. A family life, a way of life, a purpose. 

I was an explorer here, looking for I don't know what. Something had drawn me here, something I had been looking for for so long.

Let's face it, I was in a field, wearing skinny jeans, a waist coat and a top hat, drinking wine from a flask and conversing with a guy dressed head to foot in lycra. What in heaven had brought me here, in the shadow of a cement works chimney? A random posting on a website, an obscure folk club who had booked the Crows and the Monkeys on the same bill - the thrill - what's not to miss? What did I have to lose that I hadn't lost already? Who could have foreseen what I might find. It's not always about losing.

We spent time together, the extra beer was delivered. I disappeared. Back into the crowd from whence she came. I don't remember how you found me, did we share a beer? I remember your friends around me. "Johnny Cash!" was here. Do you remember crazy campsite talking, of broken lights and Pink Floyd. JD & tea and random strangers and me?

I lit candles in the van, you wore pyjamas, I made more tea. Most importantly you trusted me, we talked of Shadows, Now, of travels and the sea. We slept, we woke, we dreamt of newspapers and pancakes, we basked in the morning sun and talked until we were free.

    

Scratchcard Scratching

Fuck , we won a tenner
Lets go on a beer bender she said
2 bottles of gem
A night to remember
Fuck that i said
Lets accumulate
10 more scratchies, a guaranteed win
A hundred grand
The world will be at our feet
Then we'll buy two gems
And drink them on the beach

It was a scatch card moment
A scratch card success
I never won a tenner
I never won the test

What now i thought
A life of gambling
Of scratch cards and horses
And a life of pre ambling

What shall we do now
With the tenner we won?
Who gives a fuck, let's celebrate
Let's have some fun!

The Girl With The Extra Beer

"Are you single?" She inquired
The girl with a beer in each hand
"Yes" the lie came out so easily
The way it has for so many years
None of this was planned
A chance meeting, in a field far away
My first time, her twenty fifth
The Crows and the Monkeys
My only reason for being here
A happy coincidence encouraged by Show of Hands

"Will you still be here when I get back?
This beer I have to deliver
My brother is waiting inside
Whilst we dance around each other out here."

The second lie followed as easily as the first
"Of course" before I melted into the crowd
But It wasn't long before you found me
My hiding places transparent to you
Maybe you could see through my lies
See the truth that lay beneath, concealed
And that's what intrigued you?

No, I'm not single
Not while I'm married to grief
I grieve for a life that has come and gone
And left me as empty as a shell on a beach
The indifference washes over me daily
I'm in here somewhere, I can feel me
Somewhere just beyond reach.

A great sadness fills my life
Long have we been together
A constant companion, my wife
Every day we tear each other apart
The only one who shares my head

No, I'm not teasing or just leading you on
I'm hiding something, holding it close
Like I have for so very long
I'm hiding so many things from you and the world
My life a slow burning hell

But here I am free for a moment
Here I play my part
I wish this moment lasts for ever
I'm the person I would be
If we could all make a new start

"Do you dance?" She asked me
Not yet had her fill of the lies
This time it came without a thought
Not even sure what this one was for
Maybe your expectation was too high.
I dance like there's no-one watching
But no-one can prove if I do
Do I dance? There's just one person who can decide that
I'll leave that answer to you.

"Will you kiss me?", the intrigue had grown too much
All the lies hadn't deceived you,
You needed to feel the truth
This man of mystery,
Of brooding emotion,
Of life unexplored
Of course I'll kiss you, but only when I'm sure

Sure that this will mean something
Not just a passing in the night
A moment of right or wrong
My memories already hold me enslaved
Am I sure I want to add your trust to my bloodied hands?

I came here to express freedom
Much practised throughout the year
I came to meet people
To push back my deepest fears
In that darkness you found me
The girl with the extra beer.

The Magic Of The Woods

Quite What It Seems?

Appearences can be deceptive
A truism I know
A perfect form in a perfect place
The camera never lies

Yet we are all flawed
Putting our best face forward
Hiding what lies in our shadow
Being strong even though we are half destroyed

What Do You Do?

Who are you, what do you do?
I'm a poet, I use my words to move
To tell the story of my life
And the ever present shadow of my death
Of my sins and my hiding places
Of my joy and the love and the light
Come walk this journey with me
Between verse and line
From prose to page to agony
And ecstasy and a world we don't understand
If you look for me you will find me
We'll gather there
Out in the open spaces between the word and our minds

Grey Day

The grey rain falls, a mist hangs in the air
Willow fish swing back and forth
Jimi sings on the radio
The air is cold, the floor is hard despite the cushion I sit on
My eyes burn, the ever present tears
Wait their turn that never comes
My jaw clenched, my knee aches
My body ages
I have been sat here for years but nobody finds me
They come, they go, they say hello but they don't see me
You've seen me
I thought I hid so well
There are others out there but I don't know how to reach them
I run, I hide, I don't belong here, there, anywhere
I eat, I sleep, I dream of a place that is warm and full of light
And no-one hides
We share, we love, we live
We are content, we are worthwhile
Maybe then it will be time for the tears to fall
When the world is free and light and I can forgive
And live the life I have inside of me
That only you can see.

Fast Cars

Fat men in their fast cars
Executives with puffy faces, shades always dark
Middle of the road, country road, motorway and life
Bluster through, ignore the detail
Salmon shirt, chardonny
Parp parp, out of the way

Lost 2

The deer wander free here
Grazing at peace amongst the bracken and heather
The rolling moors and heathland their home
My home is far away, I not sure where
The cold wind bites, we draw our coats around us
The deer stare into the east
They can feel the oncoming snow
Feel the chill that will engulf us all

Lost 1

We drove to the top of the hill
We gazed on the deer gathered there
I felt a moment was passing
Roll up the window, come on it's time to go

My time in Purgatory was coming to an end
The snow began to fall
I could feel the chill in the air

My time in Heaven was drawing to a close
Soon all of this would be gone
Moved on, changed, grown, ended

An Old Song - Us

C                                F                G 
Why does a tormented soul have to write?
C                        F                  G
I stroke your hair and drink my wine
E                        Am
But it's only in my mind
F                              C          D 
You've left me again, alone in my thoughts


I remember a time I thought we were so right

I thought we'd stand the test of time

But it's only in my mind

This is it, there is no more

D                     Dm
Take my heart, take my soul
F             G              E7   
Rip it up, tear it out, leave a hole
D                       Dm
Tormented soul, show the door
F                    E7 
Feel that pain, know more

Go to war no more.

C
I thought we were the best
F
I thought we'd pass the test
G
How could I be so wrong?
C
It's nothing to do with being strong
F             G 
Or weak. Don't speak. It's over this time.

This Morning

I can feel it hiding just out of sight
A darkness, a shadow, lingering, biding its time
It's not alone. It comes with a chill.
The gloom hides behind my eyes
Pressing gently, probing, tears burning in defiance
The cold holds onto my shoulders
Its fingertips caress my neck
I step back, a vacuum fills my ears
I hold myself very small 
Cold, grey, life becomes muffled and dark
I remember colour
I remember warmth, life and love
A memory passes before my eyes
I raise my head, I try to see over the wall
To see the life that is passing me by.

2 Otters - The Old Duke - February 2013

"Who will you be next Tuesday ?"
I asked the girl I loved,
"Who will you be next Tuesday?
Will you remember today,
Will you remember the love we shared?
How will it feel? Who will you be?
Who will you be next Tuesday?"

"Who will you be next Wednesday?
Will the wall have grown?
Who will you be next Wednesday
Will you remember the love we have grown?"

"Who will you be next Thursday?
Will you honour what we have sown?
Will you treasure it and keep it and let it grow,
Will there be a Friday to reap the love we have sown?

She read my words and turned away
Then later these words gave back to me,

"I will remember a time and place
And the beautiful features of your face.
The honesty we shared
And the laughter that was there."

"The tears that were nearly cried
And the broken hearts that we try to hide
And fail cos it collides."

"I can't promise you next Tuesday or Wednesday.
Or how Arsenal will perform when Thursday come.
What I do know is that when all is said and done,
I will miss you and wait for your return 
Even though the expectation and disappointment burns!"

...and nothing else matters....

Cold floor

Candles burn

Soft cushions

Warm arms

"...and nothing else matters...", the words ring out

And I can't remember a time

A time like this

When I have felt so wanted, so held, so embraced by a man

In love

It is a wonderful feeling

Warm to the bottom of my soul

Yet scary

A wide open door

It finds a place

A place I can barely remember

An ancient place of familiarity

Before expectation and disappointment

A place of trust and unconditional love

And joy

When I trust myself that this is true

When I trust myself that I deserve this in my life

When I trust myself that I can have this

When I trust myself that this is mine

Then nothing else matters.

Hertford

I found an envelope in my pocket
I don't remember what it said
It came from someone who loved me
But wasn't sure, didn't know.
Sure that she loved me
Didn't know the rules.
There was a night I plead with you
A night we were so far apart
A night I didn't know the rules
A night I thought we couldn't see through together
Today is different
Today I know
Today there are no rules
Just me and you.

Village Pump, Monday Morning, July 2012

I don't remember waking.
I remember my nose pressed against the back of your neck.
I remember your skin felt so soft.
I had a flash of Sunday morning, a Sunday morning that could be.
I smiled.
"What are you thinking?" you said.
I don't know if you know what I was thinking but I blurted out.
About how I imagined us fighting over the Guardian and Times.
Eating croissants. Drinking tea.
That wasn't what I was thinking with your neck pressed against my nose. 
My lips brushing the top of your back. 
Your skin so soft.
That wasn't what I was thinking.